


A Small Matter Of Socks

by Pastache



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, Monstrous Regiment - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Drabble, Language warning?, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-23
Updated: 2015-07-12
Packaged: 2018-03-31 21:27:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3993445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pastache/pseuds/Pastache
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of one shots in chronological order, with minor changes to the plot and content, aka: how I think Monstrous Regiment should have gone, with added LGBT+<br/>Many thanks to my wonderful Beta- Bea (Bums) - http://blackboardmonitor.tumblr.com/</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“An IOU. Bit short of shillings, right now, but the inkeeper’ll stand you a pint of ale, courtesy of her Grace.”

A subtle rush swept over Polly as she collected her piece of paper and fled to the bar. She had done it. She’d convinced everyone she was a boy and signed up, and now she was already one step closer to finding her brother. A few others had filed in behind her, she’d tried to ignore them, and despite her initial shock at seeing Igor she remained merely surprised one had wandered all the way to a recruitment office. The only other recruit that captured her attention as she tried to appear brooding and manly at the other end of the bar was one with fancy clothes and a shiny sword, who spoke elegantly and spent approximately twenty seconds writing his name before announcing “Maladict” as a shortened title. Polly wasn't one to trust initial impressions- Nuggen knew she’d spent enough time in a bar to know that people weren't what they first appeared- but the way ‘Maladict’ failed to hide a smug smile when he was referred to as ‘gentleman’ gave Polly a niggling instant dislike for the arrogance of the ex-bloodsucker.

As all the others lined up at the bar, and even after the troll’s short-sparked entrance Polly kept herself distanced; the less she got to know people, or they got to know her the better. The vampire seemed to be very interested in her though, especially after her quip about the barman, and she had to remind herself to be cautious. His eyes betrayed an intelligence beyond his sarcastic wit, and that, combined with curiosity, could never end well.  
           Even though Polly had been concerned about the changing arrangements there was no question of undressing in the freezing shed they’d been assigned to sleep in, she doubted that pyjamas existed in the army anyway, and apart from the occasional man-off (aka who could make the loudest gas expulsion) she didn't interact with the others much and merely listened to the mandatory handing out of nicknames- seriously, what was it with boys and their identities? Were they that insecure about their masculinity they had to add testosterone to their names as well? Igor and Maladict were exempt from this, probably from their instant recognisability of Vampire and, well, Igor. On that note, where was the vampire? He didn't appear to be in the shed with the rest of the lads, and he hadn't said anything during the hours of introduction… perhaps he was keeping to himself, like Polly was.

Upon a quick body count even Igor was around somewhere - but not the Vampire. Had he lurked off to a dark cellar somewhere, or was that too stereotypical? Luckily Polly had kept her thoughts to herself because that particular question was later answered when Wazzer screamed loudly to alert his regiment to a potential threat- aka Maladict hanging upside-down above him - he’d probably been listening all night the sneaky so-and-so, and Polly made a mental note not to talk about Maladict ever because he would probably be hanging about nearby. Maladict’s snarky comment that some habits are hard to break was enough to have Polly try to return to sleep with a roll of her eyes. She took some amusement in the thought of the vampire being gassed earlier that night, though of course she kept her amusement to herself.

Shortly after everyone had settled down and stopped the boy now known as ‘Tonker’ killing anyone for being woken up they were all shouted awake again by the corporal who had found new extremities to the word ‘aggression’, or so it seemed.


	2. Chapter 2

Polly felt all the eyes on her and there was no hiding from the truth now; she’d have to come clean. So it was with some relish she surrendered her name, “Polly” in a whisper. She felt a little bit of relief having her identity known, and only a bit of annoyance that she had passed as a boy so well. Maladict was still one of the only question marks remaining though, and his androgynous answer gave nothing away. Surely not every member of the regiment could be a girl? But then again why wouldn't he say if she really was a he? Polly realized she had been staring at Maladict for quite some time now and was almost relieved to have Jackrum scare them all out of their skin when he suddenly appeared.

This allowed Polly to remain focused on the task at hand; she didn't have time to process the revelation of half their regiment being women when there was work to be done and Jackrum’s barked orders filling her head. It was only as they moved out and Jackrum caused severe sniggers by referring to them all as ‘Ladies’ her questions about the mysterious vampire returned to her mind; she shared a look with Maladict which was only met with a raised eyebrow before they were both sniggering with the others. Polly was here to rescue her brother, what did it matter whether her recently promoted corporal’s sock drawer was empty? She decided to continue to use ‘he’ and ‘him’ until told to do otherwise; cool and calm as Maladict seemed, she knew that male sock-ness was a fragile thing and it wouldn't do to make an enemy in her regiment now that Corporal Strappi had finally been gotten rid of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer segment next time, I promise!


	3. Chapter 3

The Squad had been marching all day. Everyone was exhausted, but in a good, country-walk sort of way. Mud caked their boots and had gone up their trousers but no one really cared; Polly had dozed off the second they had set up camp and was prodded awake when it was dark by Igor with a cup of tea to wake her up for watch. She drank gratefully, rubbed the sleep from her eyes, and trouped to her post, stumbling over Wazzer’s exposed basher peg along the way and rubbing her elbow when she stood again.

            Mal was on rota as her buddy, and he was already there- he looked a little worse for the wear since losing his coffee machine, but his dishevelment was a good look… although the way he was vibrating slightly – less so.

            “How you holding up?” She asked as she lay down beside the boy…girl…  _Vampire_.

            “Just fine, thank you, Perks, even better if you’d act as if everything’s normal. It’s easier to pretend when I’m not thinking about cof-... it.”

“Sorry.” She shifted on the ground and tried to crush the more resilient greenery underneath her.

            “Don’t mention it.” And there was a slight sharp-toothed grin to that one, so Polly was presumably off the hook. She let a few minutes of silence pass before she attempted conversation again. 

            “Can you see anything?”

            “If I could, I wouldn’t have waited for you to ask. Nice conversation starter, though.” He muttered and gave up sucking an unlit cigarette, tucking it away for later cravings.

Polly sighed. “Well you seem to spend so long watching me I was checking you were actually looking out.” Come to think of it, Mal did spend a lot of time watching her.

            “What?” He actually sounded sort of startled, in a ‘I’m-covering-it-up-very-well’ sort of way.

            “You were watching me in the Inn, you were watching me when I kicked Prince Henrich, you were watching me when I chased that soldier… when are you not watching me? Don’t you have your own tasks to look at?”

            The silent sound of thinking. “You interest me, Perks.”  Ah, lad jokes, Polly thought, I can do that.

            A slight elbow nudge and an “Oh, I ‘interest’ you, do I?” did the trick. He looked suitably amused. Polly assumed he was supposed to look amused and returned her sight down her rifle.

            “Why, Ozzer, are you  _flirting_  with me?” Polly didn’t dare sneak a look at Mal’s smug face. That was lad jokes too, right? Was it? Ummm…..

            “Oh you wish.” She let out a confident chuckle that came out flat and elbowed Mal again, darn- damn it - why was this so difficult and uncomfortable? Boys never looked awkward when they did this sort of thing. And now there was an awkward silence between them too, great. Polly stared at the road fixedly ahead, letting her cheeks cool - should she break the silence?

            “It’s very maidenly to blush, you know.” That smug … bastard. Was there an edge of nervousness to his voice or was Polly just being hopeful?  _Please_  say she hadn’t made things too awful with her horrific attempts at lad raillery.

            “How would you know, the only girls you’ve seen are as pale as you. And the guys don’t count cos they’re soldiers.” No need to get defensive now, Polly told herself

            “Well the only time I have seen maidens blush is when they’re swooning… I hope you’re not ill.”

            Listen here, you smug asshole - “I was just messing with you.”

            “You were?” Wait, what was that edge to his voice? What was going on? This was getting far too complicated.   

            “Yes” Damn it, voice - don’t break now - you’re not a teenage girl – well, not a swooning one anyway. Polly stared in horrific embarrassment at the ground in front. What the hell was going on with her? Her voice didn’t usually do that. Wait a second. Did she- no. Absolutely not. Yes, she and Mal were close, and they got on well, but that wasn’t why. Polly had never liked a boy like that in her life. Except once, but that didn’t count - he walked around the farmhouse shirtless and Polly couldn’t  _help_  but look and he was only around for a few weeks and-

 A cough brought her back to reality. Mal had asked a question. Ah.                          

            “Sorry, thought I saw something, what did you say?” Did she really want to know? Probably not - but she couldn’t just nod and mumble with the stakes this high.

            “I asked if you’d swallowed your tea wrong. Then you looked like you were constipated and I was getting worried.” Mal looked away from her for the first time in the conversation and Polly breathed a sigh of relief. Off the hook. Boys didn’t fancy other boys, and it would have made everything one hundred times more difficult in camp. He was a good friend - that was all.

            “I’m fine, thank you. Just thinking.” She said, taking another swig of tea. Think with the socks now. Actually don’t think with the socks, they were having some thoughts of their own. She shifted slightly to relieve the weight on her elbows and let out a manly burp to help her case. If Mal actually thought she was flirting then he’d figure out her secret and then there would be trouble, not to mention awkwardness. Would talking about girls now be too much?

            “So what sweetheart do you have in the world then?” Maladict asked. Oh no, oh no no no - Polly was not getting into this conversation, she wasn’t going to lie and she didn’t really care about whatever courting rituals Mal got up to.

            “None, actually.” Do not ask him about his, Polly decided, it’s none of your business and you don’t care. “Any sharp-toothed ladies waiting for you?” Dammit. Oh well, it was the polite thing to do.

            “No me neither, I never really… got along with the lady vampires back at home.” Oh there were so many questions she was not going to ask, please for the love of Nuggen let it be the end of her shift.                      

            “Oh. That’s a shame.” She said neutrally.

            “Do I hear talking on duty, Perks?” Jackrum said behind them. Crap.

            “Nosir!”

            “Must be my old ears fooling me then.” Polly cursed herself, she was usually far better disciplined on duty. “You both know any man caught jabbering away when he should be protecting the lives of his fellow soldiers has a life expectancy of however long it takes me to batter them with the nearest tree.”

            “Yes Sargent.” Mal and Polly said in sync, eyes firmly ahead, muscles that Polly hadn’t noticed slacking instantly tightening.

            “Good lads.” For a man of his size he was exceptionally quiet; Polly stopped hearing him walk away two paces back into the forest. Or perhaps he hadn’t left. At any rate, there was no talking between the two of them until the end of their shift, where a relived Polly was free to finally have the piss she’d been holding for about twenty minutes.

 

When she got back she decided on another cup of tea before going back to bed; it was a good few hours before dawn and she should be able to drift off in plenty of time. Mal was already at the kettle, and, hoping the awkwardness had passed she went over and poured herself a cup.    

            “Your eyes look lovely,” the Vampire said - Polly spilt her cup, burnt her hand and swore.

            “What?” She started to re-make her tea and stared at the boy in front of her.

            “I was wondering if I said something nice to you, you might faint.” Ok that was far enough, Polly couldn’t let Mal get any more smug- the only way to stop him was to push back.

            “So you think my eyes are pretty?” she challenged, bringing her cup to her lips and sipping, holding Mal’s surprised glare.             

            “Maybe they reminded me of a pretty girl I once knew. Why would you care?” Whosoever backed down was the loser in these boys’ playoffs, it seemed. Two could play at that game, but first Poly needed secure footing, so she sat right on the log next to the undead soldier- getting into his personal space, as was common in male spars as an intimidation tactic.

            “Then tell me why you’re interested in me fainting, am I not a fellow man? It’s your duty to protect your-” She faltered. He had glanced at her lips and for a moment… no no no no - what was going on? Boys didn’t glance at other boys’ lips, and the second she’d registered what had happened she couldn’t help but glancing down herself, frantically re-affirming eye contact in time to realize she hadn’t finished her sentence. “Men.” The word sounded absolutely pathetic and the horrific irony hit her like a brick. Mal simply sat with eyebrows raised and met her startled look. Neither of them acknowledged what had happened- had anything happened? He was just breaking eye contact, probably a dominance thing amongst Vampires. Polly wrapped a winning smirk around her face she folded her arms. “Well?” Leaning back was not a retreat; it was a defence.

            “Good point, well made.” Mal was the image of smug calmness – god, she wanted to wipe that off his face. Surely no one this smug could be female. “But as we’re not in the heat of battle I’d say I’m allowed a little  _fun_.” Ok - if he dropped one more signal, Polly was going in. It was just a  _kiss_. Boys kissed, surely, and Polly had never kissed before…

            “Well I don’t know, aren’t Vampires supposed to be pretty well in control of themselves?” A cheap shot, and she saw Maladict flinch slightly.

            “Apparently. Not when pushed, though.” he said, in warning. Polly shrugged and finished her tea, figuring she should go to bed, but still sitting by the fire to collect the last of the warmth in the growing light for a moment to gather her thoughts. She realized she just wanted to kiss _someone_. It may as well be him, Maladict was a someone, and the way she thought he was looking at her… Should she try it? No. It was too risky - they were at war, for Nuggen’s sake

            “Ozzer?”

            “Hmm?” Polly came back to the forest - she’d been staring again.

            “What?” the Vampire raised his eyebrows.

            “You say first.” Polly held his eye contact again - come on, give me a signal, it doesn’t have to mean anything, I just want to see what the fuss is about, Polly thought.

            Mal blinked. “You’re staring at me like you’re going to eat me.”

 Polly reddened. Oops. Too keen. Was that manly? Probably.

            “Yeah you wish.” That made no sense. Ah, the socks are talking again. Why the hell did she let that happen?

            “I… wish?” and then it happened, his eyes glanced down and that was the sign she’d been waiting for - she leant in, when-     

            “What are you doing?” he hadn’t pulled away exactly, but he was looking at her with a confused expression. Polly leapt away.

            “Sugar- I mean shit! You’re not-?” Oh Nuggen.

            “Not-?” Mal let her finish the sentence, looking more nervous than Polly had ever seen him. Wasn't she supposed to be the nervous one; what if he had discovered her?

            “Not into… I mean…” Shit, what if he wasn’t attracted to boys? Shit. What if he was a girl who wasn’t attracted to boys? What if he wasn’t attracted to girls? Oh shit, what if he knew?  _Shit_. Polly floundered a little, turning a brilliant red colour. If there was anyone she could trust the secret with – it was him. “Not that this means anything about weaknesses of the sex and their priorities in war, but I’m a girl.”

A silence.

           “Oh, that I already knew.” He shrugged slightly.

What? How frustrating. Polly turned to him. “So you don’t like me?” Or you don’t like girls?”

             “I never said I didn’t like you. Or girls for that matter.” He said, the corners of his mouth turning upwards to that smug smirk.

             “You what?”

             “I just asked what you were doing. I wanted to check I hadn’t gotten human signals mixed up.”

Polly punched his arm. “You were winding me up weren’t you?”

             “Are you not going to kiss me now?” He put on a mock-hurt look which wavered into one of genuine curiosity.

Polly looked at him for a moment and sighed. “No, I think it’d probably be a good idea if we didn’t.” One day perhaps, but she had more important things to worry about than potentially messing up a friendship with her NCO. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late, will be earlier next week I promise!


	4. Chapter 4

“You know, sergeant, it’s a great shame to see a mind like that wasted…”

Polly watched the exchange between Jackrum and De Worde with enough interest she didn’t notice the second vampire she’d met appear beside her – damn, was that a vampire scare tactic or what?

“So…” he started, looking more nervous than Polly had ever seen Mal, “Out of ze men… you are in charge here?” He looked up at her.

“Well, uh, no, I’m not.” Polly shifted and folded her arms. “I’m just a private.”

“But, uh, how you say… unofficially… you understand?” he implored.

“What’s the problem? Usually Mal is in charge of us lot but…”

“The vampire! Yes. There’s something… vrong viv him.”

Polly nodded “Yeah he’s missing his coffee, you told me earlier, and I told you-”

“Not vant I meant.” He smiled patiently. “He’s… something seems off vith him…. He smells… different.”

“What does that mean?” Polly’s brow furrowed, and opened her mouth to continue,

“At first I thought it was ze deprivation, but when I passed him again I noticed ze… difference, I’m not sure vat it means exactly but I think he should-”

“I’m sure I’m fine.” A shaking Mal had dragged himself all the way towards them. He glared Otto down. Polly started a sentence but bit it back when Mal shifted his glare to her and back again.

“But you… ok… I vas just checking.” He said meekly and quickly started re-checking all of his equipment was present, shooting glances at Mal, who stood there watching, keeping the same dark scowl on his face until he had been escorted away by a worried looking Igorina. If Igorina had picked up on it, then the squad had picked up on it.

When they returned to camp not even Jackrum was barking his orders at them. Polly waited until Jackrum had gotten Mal back to his sick-bed, having to carry both the Vampire and his pride back, before she turned on him.

“What the hell was that about?”

            Mal took a moment to get his mouth working “Absolutely nothing, I’m just going through withdrawal so my pheromones are all over the place, I’m sure.” Refusing to remain lying down, he stood as if he was going to take a stag rota, and marched firmly ahead.

            “Where are you going?” Polly matched his pace. “What is going on- you wouldn’t be so shifty unless it was personal- I’ve never seen you look shifty before!”

            “And you’ve known me all of four days, so  _calm down_. I am fine, once I get some c-coffee…” A pause as he swallowed slightly “I’ll be fine. Now, go and prepare tea for the rupert, private.”

            Polly let out a frustrated sigh and with another stern look from Mal that withered slightly with the slight tick he seemed to have picked up, she marched off, fists balled. Here was not the place to have a fight, they had to stick together. She could bring it up again later.


	5. Chapter 5

Jackrum sat down on the remains of a wall. "Just injecting a little sauciness into the conversation," he said. "Carry on, Perks. Have your say. I thought it would come to this."

“I’m a girl, sarge.” Polly said with a sigh.

“I know.”

“I know I- wait, what? You know?”

Jackrum nodded “Of course I do. From the moment you walked in, you looked like you were hoping you were passing.” He chucked and Polly had a small revelation.

“I’ve got some of your socks, haven’t I?” Polly said slowly and Jackrum nodded again. Well that was just great. Tozzer piped up,

“Ok, so you knew about Ozzer- how about this - we’re all girls.” she said triumphantly.

“Yeah I know that, too.” Jackrum nodded.

The girls looked at him in bewilderment.

The sergeant shrugged. “I know you’re all girls, even down to Mr. Vampire over there, though he actually managed to disguise himself well.” There was almost a reprimand in Jackrum’s tone.

“Well actually-” Mal interjected, using most of his strength to try and stand from the place on the floor that had become his sickbed.

“Come off it, lad, who do you think gave _you_ the socks?” Jackrum tsked.

So Mal, him- her too? Polly thought.

“Well yes, but- well…” the Vampire straightened up. “Regardless of my, uh, sock situation, I’m still actually a boy.” Polly could see the argument brewing within him as he said the sentence with a slight edge of confrontation.

Jackrum blinked. “My mistake- but the rest of you lassies, did you think you were convincing at all?" There was a lot of looking at boots and muttered ‘well I thought  _I_ was alright’.

“No, I knew from day one. But I thought that maybe a gang of lassies would be more effective than a single girl, or a squad of men for that matter. You think you’re the first ones to try this?” He chuckled. “Women are bloody terrifying when they work together, and I thought- apologies Corporal Maladict, but I assumed you girls would all band together. Guess it’s lucky they like you, huh?” He said in the direction of the significantly calmer vampire.

Mal gave a wry smile. “Well I’ve certainly made some friends here.” He met Polly’s eye and looked slightly vulnerable for a second or two. Polly wasn’t sure she quite understood what was going on.

 

She cornered him when they were preparing for the trek across to the camp, taking a final patrol. Mal was foaming around the lips slightly, and Wazzer was tottering behind them happily, muttering about The Duchess every so often.

“So-”   

“It’s not that complicated, actually.” Mal said with a small smile. Polly shrugged slightly.

“Then why did Jackrum give you socks?”

“Well I’m not in a… _usual_ situation.” He shrugged back. “I… what Otto could smell as 'off' on me… Female Vampires smell different to male ones- they have very different biological systems and pheromones which is fairly neutralised when one has taken The Oath and instincts are under control… but that difference in scents is amplified when they’re in danger of...  _breaking_  their oath.”

            “Right- but I thought you were a boy…” Polly started.

            “Oh, I am.” Mal sighed. “I just… ok ok, right. I’ve never really spoken about this to anyone before. I… have the, uh… external appearance of a female.”      

            Ok, now Polly was confused; she stopped in her tracks and turned to Mal- oh God he looked so nervous - what on the Disc was this? Of course Wazzer knew what was going on, she said nothing, but stood a little way off, smiling smugly in a way she had picked up in the last few days. Mal wouldn’t meet Polly’s eye. “No you don’t; you’re the only one we’ve ever really believed was a boy, I mean, I may have doubted it once or twice, but still. You certainly don’t look female, no offence.”

            Mal smiled “Well, thank you. That’s not what I meant.” He looked up to the trees for a moment. “Ok, so I have the same need for socks as you, do you understand?”

            Polly blinked. “You don’t have a… oh… you have a-”

            “Yes, exactly” Mal said quickly. “I have a- or rather a lack thereof. But I am still a male, as it were.” His eyes met hers with a vaguely pathetic look. “When I was a kid I used to-”

            “You don’t have to explain;” Polly assured him quickly, “If you say you’re a boy then you are. That’s your business- socks or no socks.” She smiled and Mal’s smile wobbled, and he looked like he was going to say something sentimental or emotional, oh Nuggen- was she going to have to  _hug_ him?

            “He’s right.” Thank you Wazzer for saving the day. “The Duchess told me he was the only boy- his soul is male.” She said with a shrug. That was more than enough for Polly.  _Good chat, let’s patrol now_ , she thought. But Mal wasn’t moving. He had been looking… agitated throughout the conversation, but Polly had put that down to nerves. He folded to his knees and dug his hands into the ground.

            “Coooofffeeee!” he moaned.

            “Mal?” Polly said with growing concern, Wazzer shut her eyes and bowed her head. Oh no.

             “Get away! Run Polly, run!” He spat out, voice becoming rougher by the second. “Get Igorina to- Oh Nuggen! Shit! RUN!” He growled and reared up just in time for a packet to hit him square on the head, knocking him out cold. Polly blinked.

            “Did that just happen?” She looked closer. “Coffee?” The Duchess? What was going on? She felt very small. “Let’s get this coffee cooked and him somewhere safe.” Polly looked up at Wazzer, who looked oddly…haughty.


	6. Chapter 6

"You have showed considerable spirit, there is no doubt about that, but it was misplaced. We are not ungrateful, however. We understand that none of you are married and so we will present you all with suitable, indeed, with handsome dowries..."

The war room was looking as misogynistic and stupid as it should do. Polly was fuming, her squad were heroes, not traitors! They had just dragged Mal and Jade in, who were looking equally unimpressed.      

          “Permission to speak, Sir?” She demanded. General Franco nodded. “This is complete- that is to say, my squad are heroes, Sir! Don’t look at us as women but as soldiers, Sir! Without us you wouldn’t be in this tower right now, Sir!” If she could stand any more at attention she would break something.           

          “This court does not recognize you as soldiers, seeing that in order to sign up, you had to lie and commit an abomination.” General Franco spoke slowly, as if to children. “You are women, as you have admitted, and you must be punished as such.” Polly could see Tozzer and Lofti twitching. This needed to be sorted out, and properly. Captain Strappi, the slimy son of a bitch, stepped forward.

            “You ladies, and… Sir?” he glanced at Mal, who glared him down.

            “G-Group me in with them, S-Sir, I’m just as bad.” He was making considerable effort to continue to use human speech.

            There was a general murmur from the floor as people paid attention to the pale- now paler and twitching- vampire in front of them and there were small risings,

'Isn’t that the daughter of-'

'The one that ran away?'

'Could be'

'He doesn’t look'...

            Polly’s fists balled, so did Jade’s, who's were a bit more noticeable and made a larger cracking noise.

            “I’m a-afraid you’re mm _mistaken_  Captain, I am in f-fact male… _and a vampire with an itching for violence_ , I mmmight add, and if you care to look in my trousers, I’m sssure I cannn-"           Polly flashed Mal a look,  _that was a dangerous bet to tak_ e.

            “I can vouch for him Captain,” Said the wonderful voice of Jackrum from behind them. The squad stood stiffly, small smiles creeping onto their faces. “That sabre-tooth there is the only lad in this group of lasses, and the only one who doesn’t know the difference between the privy and the officer’s tent, so I can be certain.” The rising voices died down, Jackrum beamed and if everyone hadn’t been looking at him in awe, Jackrum would no doubt have winked at Mal- who was looking slightly more smug than usual.

            “…Right.” The Captain tried to re-claim the floor. “Well anyway, Lance Cor- I mean Maladict, you knew all along about these…girls?”

            “ _Oh yes_ , from the bbbbeginning. I’m a vampire." He took a breath so his next line would be uttered coherently.  "My senses are sharper than most humans,” he smiled pleasantly at the Captain. “ _As are my teeth_.”

            Captain Strappi turned slightly red. “Well then, that makes you just as bad, you helped them!” Behind him General Franco nodded.

            “Yes, as you didn’t say anything to a superior officer about it, and actively helped them disguise themselves, you will be tried in the same way as your comrades.” He added a small nod for emphasis.

            “I i-insist on it.” Mal's smirk broadened while his fingers spasmed.  


	7. Chapter 7

Thank Nuggen for Sargent Jack- Sargent  _major_ Jackrum. Polly felt a surge of hope in her chest, if there were that many women in the force…. How many other places… how many would support her? Things were looking good. She was walking the corridor with… what had Vimes called the werewolf? Angua. She’d seen her brother, had wanted to stay with him just for an hour more, but Mal had reminded her they still had a lot to do- two armies to deal with, and not to mention the newspapers and mobs to talk to.

            “So you knew all along?” Now the awkward you’re-a-werewolf-then talk had passed, they were all struggling to find something to talk about on the walk down the longest corridor Polly had ever visited.

            Angua smiled toothily. “Of course I did, werewolves have excellent senses of smell- I could smell the girl on you from miles away. Not that I would have said anything if I knew you hadn’t. I don’t like outing people.” Polly sensed a tragic backstory, another one. But Angua didn’t carry on, thankfully, and Polly was left wondering how to re-start a conversation. Mal did it for her, fidgeting with his sleeve and trying to sound as casual as he could.

            “And me?” He said quietly. If that was supposed to sound nonchalant, well, it didn’t.

            Angua considered. “No... I mean, Vampires are harder to tell, even smell-wise, but no, you smell like a boy. Even though you’re surrounded by girls, is that what you mean? I just assumed you were blind.”

            Mal didn’t say anything but he shrugged and looked quietly pleased with himself. Polly took his hand and squeezed it. Angua looked vaguely uncomfortable and turned her head to look at the wallpaper on the corridor instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early because I'm at pride tomorrow! Sorry it's so short...


	8. Chapter 8

Polly stood outside the mess, feeling quite pleased with herself, and leant against the wall, ignoring the stares she was getting- didn’t these boys have anything else to do? It had been two hours since she had had her talk with Jackrum, an hour and a half since her brilliant plan, one hour of talking the both of them into it, and fifteen minutes since they went inside. She would be content to wait here until they came out again, and so she stood, admiring all the different kinds of mould she could spot around the corridor. Ah there’s a chair over there… she dragged it over and sat to wait, a grin on her face.

 

Inside Mal sat facing Jackrum, looking in much better health since he found his coffee machine, but he was still looking more nervous than ever before. He adjusted the cutlery in front of him and cleared his throat. Jackrum didn’t exactly look awkward but he was emanating a slight unease.

            “So-”

            “So-”

            The said at the same time. Awkward. Mal tried again,

            “Why did Polly say we should talk?” He ventured.

            “Something about my options.” Jackrum muttered. “She’s a clever lad that one, too clever for her own good I think.”

            Mal smiled and nodded. “She certainly is.” He paused. “She wanted me to talk to you about… what we- her and I that is, talked about in the forest.” He squinted slightly at Jackrum. “Wait a second, are you-”

            “None of your business corporal.” Jackrum said quickly, folding his arms and looking more and more regretful for ever sitting down.

            “No, you’re right, it’s not. But.” Mal took a breath and smiled. “Ok I think I know what Polly wants me to talk to you about here, Sarge… Sargent Major.” He corrected himself. “I… well. Ok. You know my sock situation.” Jackrum nodded. “And you simply nodded when I corrected you from thinking that that made me a girl.”

            “Look, whatever you got down there ain’t none of my-”

            “But that’s my point. If I’m right, and I think I am, I’m the same as you.” Ok, time to just go for it. “ _Sockless,_ if you get my meaning.” He didn’t wait for Jackrum to answer. “But that isn’t what makes a girl a girl. I’m not sure what exactly does, or what makes you a boy, but it’s a gut feeling and something you just know, and… say when you first signed up. You realized sometime between ten minutes, ten months, or even ten years that you preferred the life of a boy, and you weren’t sure why, something clicked.” He looked into Jackrum’s eyes “And that’s ok. That happens. I- I don’t know what that helps or if that helps but… You don’t have to know what you are from birth. And you don’t have to pretend to be something you’re not.” He finished and licked his dry lips. He figured the Sargent major wouldn’t be one to ask questions. “I uh- knew from when I was a kid cos I could get away with acting like a boy. It’s just a gut feeling you get, and you don’t notice that you’re hurting until you realize why.” He tried for a wry smile.

            Jackrum waited a moment before speaking. “I know you won’t breathe a word of this, Corporal and don’t you ever tell anyone I said it,” he paused, “but thank you.” Mal did him the honour of being mock-shocked before Jackrum continued, “I will consider everything you’ve said. I always wanted to be a grandfather…” he muttered.

            “What?” Mal tilted his head slightly.

            “Never you mind, corporal.” Jackrum said with a chuckle and put his hat back on. “Thank you for the chat, and thank Perks for me too.” And with that he was up, and off, heading straight for the buffet. Mal stood, dusted himself down and walked out to where Polly was waiting.

           

            “Well, how did it go?” Polly smiled encouragingly, trying to read Mal’s face was difficult but it could be done.

            Mal smiled. “I think it went well. I think you were right. And I think he’ll be a great grandfather, whatever that means.” Polly smiled a private smile, it wasn’t something Mal would ever really wonder about.

            “Come on, our ride home is waiting. Where are you heading?” Polly hoped it’d be near, she didn’t really want to leave any member of the squad, but Jade had already left, Alice had tottered off and she didn’t want to lose Mal too. Mal had a far off look in his eyes.

            “Not sure. I’ll decide on the way I think.”

            “You’re not gonna go back to-”

            “No. Nothing back there for me.” He said shortly and stuck out his hand.

            “Sargent Perks.”

            “Corporal Maladict.” And she knew he wasn’t going to stick around. He had things to do. She tried not to feel too bad about it on the way home.


	9. Chapter 9

            “Permission to fall in, Sargent?” 

            Polly had never been happier to see Mal. He looked suave as ever in his uniform, polished to perfection and with his corporal stripe sown on with pride. Polly marched up and smiled as Mal stiffened and saluted.

            Polly returned the salute “Permission granted, show these lads and lassies how it’s done,” she barked and paused. Was that... stubble on Mal's cheek? "You're looking more… beardy than usual, Corporal." She said with a question in her tone and Mal shone with pride, hand automatically coming up to rub the rough skin.

            "After I left you at the tower, I went... well, anyway. Where I ended up we were sort of famous... People knew who I was and I was approached by this older woman in a leather hat and she gave me this potion… told me to rub it on my thigh once a day and... well... it's working." He beamed. Polly decided that it was not _utterly_  necessary for her squad to be perfectly smoothly shaved- not if it kept moral up.

            "I'm very glad to hear it, now you can lead a proper example to my new recruits here..." after another exchanged salute Mal obediently and perfectly marched to the front- someone had been practicing. Polly addressed her soldiers. “Now you lot saw Corporal Maladict. Do as he does and you’ll do just fine.” Stories had spread about the disappearing vampire daughter and the sudden appearance of an orphan vampire corporal, and judging by the shining look of admiration on one of the lads with disastrously large socks, some people had put the two together. She marched her new squad along the road, smiling as they furiously concentrated on keeping step, Mal keeping pace out in front.

           

Polly had read a few articles about the ‘mystery of Maladict’, presumably Mal had too. It was a mixed response- some outright denied the vampire could possibly even be related to the high lord now missing a child and insisted that he was a bastard child that no one wanted to own up to. Some believed he had been the daughter, but clearly he  _was_  a man, and all the better- at least someone had been guiding the girls’ squad when they'd stormed the castle,(that was the government opinion, in response to the backlash from the story of  _women_  saving the entire country from winter warfare). Some believed he was just a she dressing up, some believed he was an abomination no matter his gender, but none of that mattered. Mal could battle through anything, and at the end of the day, Mal was one of Polly’s little lads, and she was going to take care of him.

**Author's Note:**

> Weekly uploads on Saturday plus an extra chapter on the 25th!


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